Haggis- the meal you have to stomach twice
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my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
Left the kids alone in a room with some styrofoam. One just yelled “it’s snowing” and the other started singing jingle bells. What have I done
When my girl pisses me off, I steal the last page out of the book she’s reading.
CDC: keep at least 6 feet—
Spiders: GUYS WE GOT THIS
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
My dinosaur expert child just schooled me
Me: What’s the difference between the diplodocus and the brachiosaurus?
5yo: They have different names
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Do I have any plans? What do I look like, a goddamn architect?
David Hasselhoff saves money on tailored shirts by not ordering the first 5 buttons.
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
In a parallel universe, Two bars walk into a man.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience