I can’t tell you how to increase your moral fibre, I’m not a nutritionist.
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[At my seance]
Friend 1: *pulling away from ouija
Shit…That’s definitely himFriend 2: How can you tell?
F1: He spelled “your” wrong.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
Husband is watching a Hunger Games movie marathon with the kids.
Little does he know that while he’s at work all day, I LIVE the Hunger Games with these people. And it’s definitely a marathon.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Satan [reading Chicken Soup for the Soul]: wtf this isn’t a cookbook
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
*man with beerbelly waiting outside elementary school*
*teacher walks towards man*
“are you expecting a child?”
“no thats from all the beer”
Think I pulled my liver
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
Tried to change the song playing on my daughters computer.
She said to me: ‘I’m going to put parental controls on it.’
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
My boss accidentally muted himself on this zoom meeting 20 minutes ago and none of us have told him
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
When I call you Hun, it’s short for Atilla.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
every. time.
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
I got a pet hyena because someone has to laugh at my tweets…
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st