Your friends will stand by you even when you’re at your worst because people are stupid
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[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
How to open new toy:
1. Cut tape with machete.
2. Take shot.
3. Undo 23,518 twist ties.
4. Take 3 shots.
5. Watch child play with box.
Date: What do you do?
Me *holds up menu* you just choose a meal from this book of food
Sex with me is like a roller coaster. There’s lots of screaming and sometimes people fly out and die.
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
Be safe this weekend, otherwise your dumb friends will end up telling some local news reporter how you were always the “life of the party.”
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
Calling someone with glasses “four eyes” isn’t an insult. Know what else has four eyes? Two sharks. Now you feel stupid.
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
tonight i learned that my mom ended a friendship because the person in question claimed a baby was flirting, and i have never respected her more
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Got banned from being a chef in every restaurant in town because every time someone sent back a pavlova I would call it a boomeringue
I was hoping to lose weight when I quit drinking, but it turns out that’s not how pregnancy works.
If you know someone who is effortlessly happy all the time, that’s a demon. You’re friends with a demon.
[Me as a gynecologist]
*Knocking on the exam room door*
WOMB SERVICE
As the best book lists of 2021 drop
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
[sound of can opening]
wife: you’re drinking a beer this early?
me: c’mon…it’s super bowl sunday
wife: but we’re still at church
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
My wife is great at multitasking. She can be mad at me for five different things at the same time.
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.