Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
You Might Also Like
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
Insomnia is just your brain’s way of telling you it’s secretly a squirrel with ADHD.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
The human personality is made of five key elements
“Honey,can u make the dinner reservations for 3 instead of 2 tonight? Debby’s coming”
“We’re not bring ur new chainsaw-”
“HER NAME’S DEBBY”
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
[road trip]
My dad: Seatbelts? What seatbelts? Kids don’t need seatbelts.[hospital]
My dad: Concussion? What concussion?
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
I don’t understand. I cleaned my bathroom 7 months ago. Why is it dirty again.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Genie: You have 3 wishes—
Me: I wish for you to not know numbers!
*45 minutes later*
Genie: Is….is this 3 yet?
Me (Emperor of space & time, with far too many possessions, moneys, lovers & other sexy attributes to ever list in any lifetime): gettin’ there, man.
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
a man in whole foods asked how i was doing and i said ok how are you and he said “it is beautiful in my soul today” and that’s why i never go to whole foods
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
At least we don’t have to wear pants anymore.
I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.
Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
*in the restaurant, i watch a baby cry for ten minutes until i walk over, put my hands on the parent’s shoulders & whisper*
does your baby have jury duty tomorrow, too?
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
I caught my son punching his sister and he said, “I didn’t punch her, I just poked her arm with my knuckles.”
If escape artist lying was a thing, then my son would be Houdini.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen