I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
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The best thing about working from home is having more time to ignore the huge pile of laundry that needs doing
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Rich people don’t understand cereal
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
Toilet won’t stop throwing up. I didn’t know it was Legos intolerant. SEND HELP THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My cat didn’t get me a Father’s Day card and things are a little tense around here right now.
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
I chose trial by fire, witch wasn’t my best idea.
If I don’t introduce you to the person I’m with it’s because I don’t remember either of your names.
She lied to me. Just like the resealable cheese industry.
IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
[marriage counseling]
He barely knows who I am anymore
“That’s not true, Karen”
LINDA, MY NAME IS LINDA
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Thank you to whoever has been keeping Keanu Reeves busy with a laser pointer for the last 10 years.
As always, Wile E. Coyote’s plan had unexpected consequences.
If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
What kind of educational background do you need to have to work at the gas station that directs teens to their deaths in a horror movie?
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
We’re just never going to talk about the fact Mufasa and Scar are brothers but have entirely different accents?
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
If someone walks in on you hatching your evil plan, just tell them you were rubbing in some hand moisturizer.