My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
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Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
[trampoline park]
me: *needing to come back down every time i go up*
Sir Isaac Newton: holy shit
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
You never really know how many inches you’re gonna get or how long it’ll last.
Snow, maybe.
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
“Ho ho oh my God I can’t stop giggling!” -Santa Claus, after eating cookies in homes across Canada
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Worst bar ever.
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
Her: How do you do it w/ 4 kids?
Hubs: With the door locked.
Me: She means how do we manage…but yeah.
TWITTER: Do you want to see this?
ME: No, never
TWITTER: Ok
ME: Good
TWITTER: You will see this less often
2020: Soooo, you’re feeling pretty good today, huh? Enjoying some down time?
Me: Yeeeaaahhh….why?
2020: How’s your back?
Me: Damn it!
2020: *teehee*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
That tattoo of wings on your back are good. But wings that small could hardly get you off the ground though. *reveals full body wing tattoo*
Me, to the fellas: Load up. We getting magical tonight.
Husband grabbed bagel sandwiches for breakfast (hunting)
I stayed in bed liking TikToks for us to watch later (gathering)
I love how fresh & clean my bathroom smells after I’ve killed a spider with a full bottle of windex
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Thin eyeliner today.
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*left one goes fatter
*right one goes fatter
*covers entire face.
Saw online –
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.