Horrifying if literal: Robert Burns
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[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
. 🧔🏻/ It’s
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻 9 o’clock
( (> 🎹🎹🎹
/🧔🏻/ On a Saturday
<) ) 🎹🎹🎹
/The regular crowd
👴🏻/ 👵🏽/ 👩🏻/ 👨🏽/
<) ) <) ) <) ) <) )
/ / / /Shuffles in
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Wife: *working a crossword* Seven letter word for female.
Me: Ironman
Wife: Get out!
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
8yo, as I read her a fairy tale at bedtime: WOW your chin is hairy.
Me: …so the witch threw the overly-observant kid in the oven. The End.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
3 (calls out): daddy I’m cleaning the floor with a mob.
Me: you mean a mop? (enters to see 100 people licking the floor) no ok that’s a mob
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
(Fancy restaurant)
Me: One food please.
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
I can really relate to eminem in “8 mile” because my moms spaghetti is really bad too
Dear twitter thank you for telling me it’s not my fault……but wtf
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Kids will do something that makes you angry and you’ll tell them it makes you angry and they’ll cry and tell you they don’t want you to be angry while continuing to do the thing that makes you angry.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
I think it’s really important to always support your children even though they might say troubling things like they “don’t like chocolate pudding”
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Girl math is buying 3L of wine because you’ll need to deglaze one pan.
co-worker: congratulations on getting engaged, do you have a date for the wedding?
me [an idiot]: yes my fiancee.
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Her: Where have you been?
Me: I went to see a shrink.
Her: Are you having emotional problems?
Me: No… I just want to be smaller.