life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
You Might Also Like
Make sure your blind date from the internet has a big car. Nothing worse than a trunk with no leg room.
*Mom makes me take out the garbage*
*Garbage and I begin to date*
*I start taking things too fast*
*Garbage dumps me*
Don’t leave me hanging, Larry
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
Gyms closed. So this summer gone be about personality.
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
a funny thing to do is to call someone & say “HI THIS IS BLOCKBUSTER VIDEO YOUR VHS RENTAL OF NEW JACK CITY IS 1,382 DAYS PAST DUE”
Beer before liquor never been sicker. Taco Bell before wine no 69
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
When I order pizza online, in the “Special Instructions for the Driver” box, I put “Tell me I’m a pretty princess”.
And they do.
And I am.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
13: can I play video games?
ME: yep
WIFE: nope
ME: absolutely not go think about what you’ve done don’t look at me in that tone of voice
*has no idea what a book even is*
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Every haunted house movie:
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I’m a model citizen, just a tiny, fake replica of an actual citizen.
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
There is no faster mammal on the planet than the parent of a toddler carrying a Sharpie.
RIDDLER: riddle me this
TODDLER: *does Todd stuff*
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”