When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
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Netflix never lets you forget you watched a sex documentary
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
The name’s Bondjamesbond. James Bondjamesbond.
My town had a really bad storm 2 days ago& my neighbor lost the roof of his house& the poor guy doesn’t have insurance. I’ve decided to start a gofundme to raise $ so I can go to Hawaii for a few weeks cuz he’s about to start doing construction& I hate being around all that noise
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
CAUGHT IN A ˢˡⁱᵈᵉ
these freddie videos i swear-
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
Me: [covered in chocolate, miniaturized, turning into a blueberry, stumbling out of an incinerator, and floating away] I’ll take the job
Willy Wonka:
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
*chugging, distorted guitars, aggressive precision drumming*
Me: *wearing a bloody pig face and growling like a demon* One cannot step twice in the same river. I think therefore I am. Entities should not be multiplied unnecessarily.
Depth Metal
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
Researchers have found why bears hibernate. “They’re sad due to a break up” said one. “It’s been a year Brent. Move on. I have” said another
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long.
It made walls invisible, too.
Time zones shouldn’t be based on geography, they should be based on age. For example, you may think it’s only 10:30, but for a 40yo, it’s actually two in the morning.
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
I ask a very tall man if he can help me reach something at the back of the top shelf in a supermarket. He kindly does.
Man: You’d better check, if it’s something only I can reach, it might be out of date.
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
My rabbits are hot and they aren’t happy about it. I’ve got hot cross buns.
I’ll see myself out.