If there’s a line up for the hand dryer you can always use the persons shirt in front of you
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That feeling of relief when you hear your phone vibrate thinking it’s the alarm for work but it’s actually just your spouse snoring
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
My daughter showed me a shirt at Target and I asked where the rest of it was; my transformation into my father is complete
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
I don’t need a security alarm because I leave all my shoes in a pile inside the front door.
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
Winter can cause potentially deadly situations like icy roads, hypothermia, and the much feared man cold.
Can someone just invent a mirror that takes pictures already!
My grandmother was parking on the street and I kept giggling. She finally asked me why, and I just said “paralleloGram.”
[hospital]
*crying*
Jim it’s your turn to change the baby
*picks up baby*
-Ok brb
*comes back holding a black baby*
-I think they’re onto us
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
Ah, I see my old arch nemesis, the bottom of the bottle, has arrived.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
All women really want is to be treated like you treat your iPhone.
Me- my boyfriend never messages goodnight before sleeping 😞
My friend- maybe because you don’t have one?