If Kevin Spacey doesn’t sign his name like this
Kevin E
Then he’s pretty damn stupid…
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[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
[dad accidentally steps on the dog]
I’m sorry girl, I didn’t see you. Are you ok?[dad accidentally steps on me]
Why are you on the floor?!
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
Me: Can’t wait to sit on my front porch with my black cat and frighten children.
Coworker: I love Halloween.
Me: I meant after work today.
Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
I wrote a song called “I’m Walking Up a Hill.” Here are the lyrics:
[panting]
[panting]
[panting]
Jesus H. Christ
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
[about to invent toaster]
i want a jump scare before eating burnt bread
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Him: I’m drawn to winged creatures.
Me: *bats eyelashes, cocks head, makes duck lips*
Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
Used shampoo instead of shower gel and now my body has up to 70% more body.
Stopped wearing my dentures to the grocery store. I figure the odds are pretty low that Scarlett Johansson and I will be reaching for the same box of Cheez-Its.
Going to be the corpse found at the lowest elevation of Everest ever, like by the parking lot
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens