#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
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Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover it’s just Tuesday.
DARTH VADER: “And, this is from when I was six and my parents took me to the beach on- Hey! Why are you guys laughing?”
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
I really love how squirrels get extra chubby heading into winter mostly because it’s super relatable
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My iPhone corrects “WHOA” to “WHOSE”, which just made my text response to “I JUST HAD A BABY!!!” a little awkward.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
My whole life I would put old bananas in the trash but when I got married I learned that first they go in the freezer to sit for a long time and then they go in the trash.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
My eyes: *see baby on board sign*
My brain: surfing infant
1985: imagine what school photos will be like in the future
2022 (the future): adds one neon laserbeam and one fake bookshelf background to cart
The ironic thing about the original Scooby Doo adventures was that the only real supernatural phenomena they encountered was a TALKING DOG.
Big day! I’ve decided to forgive the woman who told me I looked tired at a party three years ago.
*looks out the window, sees bubonic plague is back*
Mondays, amirite?
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Them: did I tell you about [such & such] ?
Me: Yes
(No they had not)
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
Matt LeBlanc is short for his full name, Mattress LeBlanket.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.