Neighbor: Careful, the stairs are slippery tonight
Me, starfished at the bottom of the stairs: Good to know, thank you
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what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
If they made “I Know What You Did Last Summer” now it would be like, duh, of course you do, I posted it all on Instagram.
I feel this so hard
[Breakup]
Her: We’re just different
Him: How?
Her: Well, you want to hike & camp
Him: And?
Her: And I want to be a cartoon on the internet
“I hate it when people pretentiously drop French words and phrases into conversations” I said to my fiancé, a propos of nothing, while en route to a café to enjoy hors d’oeuvre and an apéritif.
WIFE: Whatcha thinking about?
ME: *thinking about how penguins could probably fly if they just believed in themselves more* Just work stuff
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
Anyone: I’m cold
Me: Get a sweatshirt or something I’m not your motherDog: *shivers once*
Me: I WILL USE MY BODY HEAT TO KEEP YOU ALIVE
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
Can we please be straight here- when you hit the wrong key by accident, that is a typo. When you can’t spell the word, that is NOT a typo.
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
5: You forgot my night-light! It keeps monsters away.
Me: If a monster wants to get you, a 4 watt bulb won’t stop him. Good night, Sweetie.
Doctor: You have athletes foot
Me: Omg awesome, when do I get the whole body?
Just a reminder, folks:
“you’re too polite”
I am not
[two weeks earlier while my house is being robbed] sorry he doesn’t usually bark at strangers
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
“And there was this one time…”
*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*Me, giving a wedding toast
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive