*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
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Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
Lawyer: do you watch people use the bathroom?
Defendant: no
Lawyer: spell “ICUP”
Defendant: I-C-U-P
Judge: *softly* omg
Jury: *whispering*
Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
Me: The shirt I’m wearing feels heavier than usual
WebMD: *Blocked
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
apparently this year was written by stephen king
Girlfriend: YOU NEED TO MOVE ON
Me (sliding Blockbuster card back into my wallet): I’m trying…
What this four-way stop needs is some kind of signal that would let people know when it’s their turn to go
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
My husband thinks I’m overzealous with the cleaning, but a friend is coming over and she might look behind the couch. We don’t know.
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
I hate it when my sock puppets fight. I don’t have a free hand to break them up.
“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”
Hi serious this is dad
“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”
HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
Date: I don’t think we should see each other again
Me: It’s because I got in a fight and lost, isn’t it
Date: Well, yes
Me: It was a surprisingly strong goose
Me: I’m not gonna go crazy this year
Also me: cooks 85 dishes for Thanksgiving and wonders why there are so many leftovers
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
accurate
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
It’s never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I’m 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
ME: do dogs think we have three mouths because we pick stuff up with our hands?
VET: where exactly is your dog
ME: he’s uh coming later
*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly