You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
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ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
If by free thinker you mean nobody has given me a penny for my thoughts then yeah, I’m a free thinker.
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
Me: What’s your favourite book?
Her: Well, I love 1984
Me: Ok, but just choose one.
Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
can’t imagine the number of vampires that have been run over since back up cameras on cars were invented.
Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.
We only have one star.
Whoever stole my copy of Microsoft Office is in big trouble. You have my Word.
Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
torturer: *sharpening butcher knife*
me: please, no! I have a baby!
torturer: how old?
me: three months
torturer: *untying ropes* go home, I can’t compete with that
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Her: [eating lettuce for dinner] so yeah, with those 3 small changes, I lost 4% body fat.
Me: [eating a beer for dinner] fight me
I had a pretty confused childhood because I thought obituaries are actually advertisements selling dead people.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
There is no bigger liar than the person who named the everything bagel.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
We have great news. We’re pregnant!
-Awesome! Do u know the sex yet?
Of course we know ‘the sex’. How do u think we got pregnant, silly?
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention