99% of the time I have zero understanding of how people are using “iykyk”. “Eating some ice cream iykyk.” Well I certainly thought I knew about ice cream. I thought *everybody* knew about ice cream
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am i feeling hopeful about the future?
[job interview]
“I’ll never hire you”
ME: [swordfighting a field mouse] Is it cuz I’m swordf-
NO IT’S BECAUSE YOU’RE LOSING TO A FIELD MOUSE
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
No.
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
Sure.
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
Me: Where is the string?
Craft store employee: Yarn?
Me: Just string.
Him: For?
Me: Tying things? Maybe in the garden section…
Him: So you want twine.
Me: What? No, string.
[Half hour later]
Me, sobbing: Please, I just want to tie things
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
Most people’s biggest concern while drunk is drunk texting. My son drunk replied an email and ran for office for his graduate program…and won. Congratulations to the new Director of Finance. I can’t make this shit up.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Excuse me waiter, but there’s an F-35 in my soup
Natty or not?
Him: “Can we have a Doritos themed wedding?” Me: “no.” Him: “well, what kind of chips would you prefer?”
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I found a lost dog whose tag said 905-555-4598. Who would name a dog that?
i know my boyfriend’s not an empath bc he walks really fast while im wearing heels
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Jurassic Park CEO: I’m beginning to think a park with dinosaurs is a bad idea. Anyone?
Suit: Well…what if we make it a supermarket with dinosaurs?
CEO: Genius!
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet