Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day
Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too
Son: *From the basement* WHEN
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A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Movie comes on while im in bed: ugh ive seen this a million times
Movie comes on before I have to get ready for work: oh hell yea a classic
I can’t wait for the government to shut down I have some scores to settle. Big time
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I saw nothing
You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
[first mma fight]
me: Pikachu I choose you!
Ref: this isn’t a Pokémon battle
me: *throws rat taped to a taser*
Come back with a warrant
me: that guy is half drunk
Dracula: I was full. I couldn’t finish drinking him
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
Santa: *deep sigh*
Mrs Klaus: Naughty list?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Covid?
S: *shakes head*
MK: Another year of “Ho” jokes?
S: *nods vigorously*
It’s offensive when people unfollow me just because I unfollowed them. My tweets are still good, yours are not.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.
The Dungeons and Dragons movie should kill off a character only to have the party meet a NEW character played by the same actor in the next scene
#dnd
Hilarious now that anyone thought it was a plot hole that after the events of Jurassic Park that people would dare
A) Re-open the park
B) Be eager to visit the re-opened
Park
“you okay man?”
listen dude… i know what im doing
*lights a cigarette backwards*
ive seen Guy Code like six times
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Us watching you attempt to outrun something you tried to pspspspspspsps after we specifically said not to
I’m not ashamed to say I will never be mature enough to help with school projects about Uranus.