can’t talk my ride’s here
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[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
You know why some people wear socks with sandals?Cos they’ve never been punched in the head for it.If you see an offender,do the right thing
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
Me: “daft punk broke up”
My gf: “i didnt know they were dating”
I told my kids they could have everything they want from the Amazon toy catalogue all they have to do is cut out the pictures and play with them which worked out great because now they’re not talking to me so problem solved
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
This might be me.
Follow me for more tips.
150 different species go extinct every single day. Even worse, you keep not being one of them.
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
ME: [leaning over toilet] Hold back my hair
YOU: Ok
ME: [drinks from toilet like dog]
YOU: You’ve made your point I’ll wash up some glasses
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
Just tried to show my daughter how to jump rope and now I have scrambled eggs where my brain used to be and my left ankle no longer moves. Don’t get old, kids.
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Woke up screaming this morning. My apologies to everyone in the meeting.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
[at interview]
“ok 1st question you’re on a submarine you find a dog, what do you call him”
umm
“…”
subwoofer?
“welcome to the navy seals”
Amal Clooney bought hubby George a riding lawnmower for his 55th birthday. I have never been so jealous of a garden tool in my life.
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
I act like Pacman at parties.
I walk around the room eating everything in site and avoiding everyone.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!