Not to be dramatic, but learning how to read has ruined my life
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If your child walks out of the bathroom with a cup of water, always ask where the water came from. I know this now.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
me: I’m not feeling well
doctor: take your glove off
I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.
She’s not dead, just very condescending.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Dealer: Anyone follow you dude?
Me: just my cat
*dealer opens trench coat & my mom jumps out*
Mom: why are you using drugs???
Everyone said the hamster catapult wasn’t appropriate for the science fair but no one could stop watching.
“The best things in life are free.” ~ shoplifters.
I talk a lot of shit for a girl who can’t function when the sock seam is twisted.
You’re telling me that not one of The Peanuts ever when into anaphylactic shock?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
[Preens and poses in front of security camera]
*Shoplifts makeup and diet products*
Security Guard: Let her have it.
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
REPORT: Box You Set Down for a Second to Become Permanent Decor:
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
I believe:
– I can fly.
– Children are the future.
– Knowledge is power.
– I will use my powers to defeat the future children.
We need a Disney princess who is great at basketball and also a golden retriever
Apparently “will work for food” doesn’t involve hunting.
“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”
Midwesterners: hold my beer
Found out at my Doctor’s appointment that the disturbing voices I’ve been hearing non stop are called children.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.