I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
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[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
My son just told me everyone wishes they had a mother like me and I don’t know if I should hug him or ask him what the hell he did wrong.
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I have good news & bad news
“bad news 1st”
I died youre talking to a ghost
“OMG & the good news?”
I broke the world record for eating bees
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser
Judge: Ms Spears, how do you plea?
“I’m not. that. innocent.”
*frustrated defense counsel tosses like 9000 papers in the air*
Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.
Every Adele song is about lasagna.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
All dates are ‘blind dates.’
The biological structure of fruit plants do not allow eye growth, therefore rendering them incapable of sight.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
I was always taught that every girl’s dream was to marry a Prince but according to my girlfriend it’s actually owning a 1600 watt ionic diffusion Dyson hairdryer.