Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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Me: Ah-chooo!
CW: Allergy season! Is there something in here irritating you?
Me: Everyday.
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
[writing my will]
me: what is cremation
lawyer: they’ll turn your body into ash
me: oh sweet so do i also get a pikachu
9:30 a.m. Gonna buy a sandwich for later
9:33 a.m. technically this is later
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but I’m at Applebee’s & have a dead mouse in my pocket that says otherwise.
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Kid: Everything poops?
Me: Kinda
K: Trees don’t poop
M: Trees produce waste, which in their case is oxygen
K: So we’re breathing tree poop?
M:
K:
M: Don’t you have XBox to play or something?
So many cheeses would work as baby names:
Brie
Asiago
Monterrey Jack
Goat
termite twitter scares me
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I took husb, an English man with an active interest in medieval history, to a ren faire once. I asked if he would dress up and he put on a t shirt with a sheep on it, and told me he was dressed as “the economic powerhouse of medieval Europe.”
Give your Mom what she really wants today. Accept her Facebook friend request.
The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates