I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
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Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: LMAO! The question should be when am I NOT sexually active!!
Doctor: ok when are you not sexually active?
Me: All the time
if I wasn’t supposed to grow up to want a sugar daddy why did we base an entire holiday around a much older man bringing me presents for being a good girl
Batman Begins Crossdressing #AddAWordRuinAMovie
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
2Pac won’t answer me on the ouija board which leads me to believe he’s alive and i’m high.
My husband bought lemon-flavored potato chips. Long story short, he’s sleeping in the RV.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
Ever accidentally turn off your alarm instead of hitting the snooze button and wake up two days later?
*Lysol kills 99.9% of germs on my counter*
LYSOL: “Hey .1% germs…
( -_-)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Tell your friends”
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco, they have walls, years of food and supplies, and zombies can’t get in without a Costco membership
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
Your Scooby Doo Villain Name is “old” plus your gender plus your last name.
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
I hate when the hot person in my peripheral vision turns out to be a mannequin.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
“Where’s the pizza?”
“What pizza?”
“Sicilian, extra cheese.”
“Haven’t seen it.”
“The app says it was delivered.”
“Look, I don’t know what to tell you.”
Okay, I can see the head, keep pushing!
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
There are two types of stuff in life:
1) The stuff you need to know.
2) The stuff you want to know.
3) Maths.
*watches How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days*
pfft… I could do it in 8
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Psssst.
Hey you,
Yeah you…Facebook parent. Your kid looks the same as it did 8 minutes ago. When you posted the other 45 pics. We get it
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?