Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
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If you’re looking for a woman whose problem solving skills include plugging the power strip back into itself to use the outlet it’s in, hit me up.
Before you get on the elliptical next to me, just know that I’m an ugly crier.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
BOSS: I hate “yes men.”
ME: Yeah. Me too.
BOSS: I like employees who speak their mind.
ME: Yeah. They’re the best.
BOSS: You get me.
ME: Yep
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
Why are ghosts and angels depicted as semi transparent is that what happens when you die they just turn your opacity down
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
What if the 5th dentist was from the future and knew about the long-term tooth damage caused by Trident?
Before going to the dentist I like to eat taffy & pumpkin seeds. It’s makes me feel like I’m getting my money’s worth.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
sry
I move your wet panties to one side and, very gently, manage to fit another pair of socks on the radiator.
idk what this dog had been going through but same
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
[couples therapy]
“Have you tried sexy lingerie?”
me: yeah but it just creeps her out.
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
please sir. my hands. they’re very soapy.
automatic faucet after rinsing my hands for 3.5 seconds: that’s enough for you. NEXT
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
I’m putting salt in this mustard and I’m calling it Saline Dijon and you can’t stop me
Why is it called “fixing a flat” and not “retirement?”