The man in front of me is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life, he wishes she sent him for tampons.
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‘Why do people even talk to babies? It’s not like they can understand anything’ I ask my dog.
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
#MeanwhileInCanada
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
I hung a picture of my paycheck on my front door to keep all the solicitors away.
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
Me: Dare me to find out how many Reese’s peanut butter cups can fit in my mouth?!
Date: What’s happening right n-
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!
You can buy live bees. You can have them delivered anywhere you want. It’s like $6. The internet doesn’t make behaving very easy.
GHOST (rattling cupboards): OOo oooOooOoo
*family screams*
SECOND GHOST (screwing and unscrewing a lightbulb): what the hell are we doing Frank. they’re good people
[Inventing Squash]
FRIEND: What are you doing?
ME: I just [smashes ball] really hate this wall
FRIEND: u know what [grabs racket] so do I
Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
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[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
If you’ve ever watched a butcher wrap pork chops, you’ve seen me wrapping Christmas presents.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
Body: *sharp abdominal pain*
Me: Oh, God. Is that cancer? I bet it’s cancer.
Body: Are you gonna go to the doctor? If you’re worried it’s cancer let’s go get it checked out.
Me: No, I’m good.
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
So 10’s school is having PJ day tomorrow and asked the parents who drop off to wear theirs too..
Should I tell them I sleep in the nude or just show up?
My wife hates it when I say “You are just like your mother!”
Actually, she hates it when I say *anything* during sex.