My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
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me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
If you mean sleeping, then yes, I’m pretty freakin’ amazing in bed.
Me: Are those fries seasoned?
Waiter: They’ve seen a few things.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
I hope nobody on my yearbook page ever becomes famous.
Can some of you who who post pictures of your muscles come over Saturday and help me move?
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
Me: *practicing selfie poses in the gym mirror*
Trainer: Ma’am, are you having a stroke?
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
7yo: Let’s not talk ALL day today
6yo: Ok!
Me: *holy shit yessss*
7yo: LET’S ONLY WHISTLE AND CLAP INSTEAD
Me: Right. Of course.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
When I’m older I want to be that guy in the park just shouting random advice like ‘make sure it TOUCHES THE EDGES!’
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
Before kids: I’ll never let my kids eat that garbage.
After kids: “Hi, do you guys sell that cereal that’s just the marshmallows?”
Producer: This is a complete ripoff of Sesame Street.
Me: How so?
Producer: For starters, it stars puppets you refer to as “Moppets” named Large Bird, Herman the Toad, The Archduke, Alma, and Kurt & Arnie. And you call it…?
Me: Poppy Seed Blvd.
Producer: Get out.
I was thinking earlier that what I really need is someone who will ask me a few times a day if I’m hungry and if I am will just fix me food and make me eat it and then I realized I just invented moms