Back in high school I never went for mean girls because I prefer them above average
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you could post a photo of a celebrity like “she looked so cool in the 90s” and some freak will quote tweet it like “Yeah, she looked so cool in the outfit she wore to go run over 15 people with her car on June 4th, 1993.” and it’s like i’m sorry why would i know about that
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
its cool in movies when a guy blows into town and after a 30 second conversation an old guy is like, you can work in my bar and sleep in the spare room above the garage and eat meals with my family and have sex with my daughter
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
[a guy walking his dog grabs my purse and they run off]
Me: Hey, that’s not nice! You get back here this instant and let me pet that dog!
[someone stops being my friend]
ah that’s sad they must have died
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If it wasn’t for my coworkers who arrive to work after me I would never know it’s been raining for 7 days.
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Running is so dangerous. A few years ago I sprained my ankle really badly and was on couch rest for like three weeks. You know what’s never done that to me? Resting on a couch for three weeks.
He said there was no spark between us, so I tazed him. I’ll ask again when he wakes up.
Cat: [I am the cousin of tigers, leopards, lions, panthers, and pumas]
Me: *putting tiara on cat’s head* you’re a pretty pretty princess!
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: *making toast at wedding*
Bride: hey those presents weren’t for you
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
Either you stay with a comedian, or you leave long enough to become part of their routine
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
I got new neighbors. Very noisy girls. I unsuccessfully asked them to lower their music severally. Unsuccessfully informed caretaker. So today, I’d had enough. I put on Spotify, tweaked the Sony system to 100, & left. My phone is ringing like nonsense. Unsuccessfully.
If you have a “Welcome” mat, but call the cops when you find me eating nachos on your couch in my underwear, you’re sending mixed signals
*walks out of prison, a free man.
*guards shouting from gate
“From! At! For! With!”
What?
“Oh, we always end sentences with a preposition”
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.