Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
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“Wow, haha, this is awkward. I didn’t think anyone was home. Uh…oh well…bears gotta maul…amirite?”
My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
I’m honestly counting down the days until my kids are old enough to watch Jaws, and I can tell them, “They filmed this movie where we vacation every summer. It’s a documentary.”
Explained to my 9 yo how programming works:
1. You have something you want to do.
2. You write code to do it.
3. The code doesn’t work.
4. You fix the mistakes.
5. When the program works, you realize your idea was wrong.
6. You fix the idea.
7. Goto 2.
I don’t usually cry from onions, but this one’s story is so inspirational.
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
Judas is buying everyone shots.
Seems to have a bit more cash than normal…..
Good for him
To avoid another embarrassing moment like when I was stood up on prom night, I always keep at least 1 penguin around.
How come when a child shouts “This is dumb” at a wedding it’s considered cute, but when I do it, I’m immediately replaced by another priest?
Me: *lifts couch cushion*
6yo: what are you looking for?
Me: six thousand dollars
“When god closes a door, he opens a window”
Murder Hornets: Awesome!
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
Make your cavity search more entertaining by keistering surprises for the TSA agent.
What did you find, Gary? No that’s not a Chinese finger trap. Keep looking.
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Hobos are like cats, they’ll let you pet them until you stop feeding them cat food.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.