Mom 1: My son’s gonna be a pro baseball player
Mom 2: Mines gonna be a doctor
Me: My son shows strong signs of being able to escape prison
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If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
I’d say at least 10% of parenting is smelling stuff.
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
when my daughter is mad she points at me and delivers what I can only assume is a gypsy curse
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
Always trust a glue salesman…
They tend to stick to their word.
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Me: I need to lose my baby weight.
Diet coach: Awww, how old is your youngest?
Me: Thirteen.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
If you like piña coladas and getting caught in the rain, that’s fine but your piña colada is going to get watered down.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
No one told me that part of motherhood is consistently looking like the before on a makeover show.
me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
*updates tinder bio*
Teens today have it so easy. We didn’t have self-checkout lanes when WE bought condoms.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
no one likes gloating
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Virgo: You will give blood generously this week, but it won’t be your idea.