Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
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Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
Created a shortcut on my teen’s phone. Now every time she texts “kk” auto fill displays “I have the BEST mom.”
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Boss: what are you doing?!
Me: *hauling lighter fluid out of my trunk* You said we were having a fire sale
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
When someone asks why you don’t have kids just say “dingoes”
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“Damnit!”
-a burglar, discovering yet another drawer filled with dead batteries, take-out menus, and pen caps.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
MORPHEUS: April fools!
NEO: ?
M: There’s no Matrix.
N: What?
M: You’ve been drugged, son.
N: WTF
M: We’ve been harvesting your organs.
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
Lmao
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born