If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
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If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
As soon as they figure out sex, we’re saved.
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Family: You never call anymore.
Me: I’m calling now?
Fam: Now’s not a good time.
Me: When should I call?
Fam: Anytime.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
PASTOR: and the lord said unto us—can u stop please? it’s very distracting
ME: [bouncing up & down on yoga ball] i don’t think he said that
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Ew, there is no way I’m touching that hand sanitizer dispenser.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
“Are you sexually ac-” [my doctor looks up at me] [he marks no]
According to my mechanic, if I stop singing the weird noise will go away.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
7yo: daddy did you know that the number eleven is odd?
me: yes
7yo: then why does it have the word even in it?
me:
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
I saw a bald eagle carry away a bunny rabbit today, and I was like, “well, at least somebody gets to be held.”
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
20% of being the BBC Wimbledon presenter is telling people what other telly programmes have been cancelled.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.