went to my great aunt’s funeral (she made it to 96) and was eating so much potato salad and smoked salmon that my uncle asked if I had a tapeworm
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“I think this cereal has gone bad.” *me drunk, eating Meow Mix*
I am, perchance
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
Def Leppard: Pour some sugar on me.
Definite Leopard: Place precisely two teaspons of sugar directly in my hand.
My son can’t decide if he wants to be a Psychologist or a Proctologist so I told him to flip a coin: Heads or tails.
If you leave me a voicemail that just says “call me back, I have a question” I am coming to burn your house down.
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
[restaurant]
WIFE: Sorry I snapped at you. I’m a little grumpy.
ME: It’s okay. You have your period, which means your hormones are-[one hour later]
DOCTOR: Mansplaining?
ME: *nods*
DOCTOR: Alright, It’s gonna sting a little when I pull the salad fork out.
My son, Luke, loves how I named all my kids after Star Wars characters.
My daughter, Chewbecca, not so much.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
I can’t see those guns made on 3D printers catching on.
If HP make the cartridges, it will be cheaper to buy an AK-47.
If you keep pronouncing the L in salmon I going to stab you with my kah-nife
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
The honesty is refreshing
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”