Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
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villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
FOUR RULES FOR DATING MY TEENAGE DAUGHTER:
1) get her home by 11 p.m.
2) so we can chill
3) i have mario party
4) be my friend
Unless you refer to it as either a shindig or a hootenanny, I will not be attending your party.
Watching TV
Detective: … and the horribly mangled remains were found on October 25th…
Me: Woo! They said my birthday!
Barber: What would you like today?
Me: Make me look attractive.
Barber: CAROL! CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS!
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
RPGs are all “you don’t meet the level requirement to equip this” When in real life the only thing stopping me from wielding this halberd is an extremely agitated museum guide, and I’m pretty sure I can take him
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
AirBnB is fun for when you want to be financially abused by a stranger with a binder filled with rules.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
🙋♀️
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
*jazz hands*
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Always treat your woman like a princess, let a giant turtle kidnap her.
cut negativity out of your life. delete Facebook. block your landlord’s number. uninstall your banking app. stop paying taxes. forget math. self care.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
People often talk about having the devil on one shoulder and an angel on the other. For me it’s more like Spock and Homer Simpson.
It’s the point of the night where I either keep my drunk friend from making an ass of herself or just tape it for youtube.
There are 70,000 Jehovah’s Witnesses in Melbourne for a conference. So I’ll be answering the door naked this weekend.