my son bet me that he could make a piece of paper fly farther than i could so he spent 10 minutes making the fanciest paper airplane i’ve ever seen. the look on his face when i crumpled mine into a ball and launched it across the house was priceless. sucks to be a loser lmao
You Might Also Like
If white guys are day drinking, it’s inevitable that they’re going to start wrestling at some point later that night.
When your body decides that was one meat lover’s pizza too many
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
goals for 2016:
1) spend more time with my son
2) learn about his fav video games
3) defeat him
4) become video game household champion
Some people wake up to ” I love you” texts and some of us wake up to
” Battery full. Remove charger”.
🤷♂️😆🤷♂️😆
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Don’t go to the library; go to the truthbrary!
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
just make the entire table out of coaster
A big shout out to my mother who can’t hear me otherwise.
my professor scared me for a second
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
The red haired guy in the bakery
doesn’t like being called…
‘The Ginger Bread Man’*lesson learned
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Me (doing an unboxing video for a repressed memory): wow guys this is a GREAT haul
My therapist: no
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
Bought my daughter a cheap ‘Miss Piggy’ purse but sadly it was very pork wallety.
My ex asked me what would make her new shoes look more sexy. “Give them to your sister,” was apparently a relationship breaking answer
Woke at 2 AM to a strange male voice telling me to accept god. Storm knocked out power at 7 and I forgot to turn off TV – thought I’d died.