The most disturbing thing about accidentally waking up at 4 a.m. is realizing some people do this on purpose so they can exercise.
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My mom accidentally killed my boyfriend this weekend. She didn’t recognize him when she was canning pickles.
“What if I tried to put a ball somewhere and you tried to stop me”
-guy who invented sports
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
Me: You’re supposed to be in bed. 11-year-old: I tried. Me: You tried? 11: It didn’t stick.
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
wife: aww, you cleaned the kitchen counter
me, moments after dropping the water pitcher: yes, yes i did
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
amateur: taco tuesday
pro: taco everyday
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
My grandma just called to tell me that if “I’m really a lesbian it’s okay, because that girl from Juno is and she is very rich.”
I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
oh you’re playing music at the beach?? you think your taste in music is superior to poseidon’s 24/7 ambient mixtape???
not for long
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”
That fish is too small and that fish is too big but that fish is justtttt right
-Goldilocks on Tinder
[Old lady] Please dont pet my dog. She’s a service dog
[Me] Omg I’m so sorry (stands up straight & salutes dog) Thank you for your service
ME: [introducing my brother’s daughter whose name I’ve forgotten]
This is niece.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
If Satan ever loses his hair, there’ll be hell toupee
FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
I am ‘being spanked and told to nap is punishment’ years old
*winks*
My southern mother forbid me to ever tell the story of when she accidentally got in bed with my boyfriend thinking it was me until she touched his hairy back so I will obviously take that to my grave
I’ve stopped checking my bank account because ignorance is bliss and I deserve to be happy
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
fourth time’s the charm