Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶
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I act really tough for a person who spent $40 on cookies I dont like because a girl scout was crying
If someone insults you, the best revenge is to just ignore them and pretend it never bothered you. Although arson works too.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
Me – When did we get a porch light?
Wife – OK, drink time is over.
Me – Why?
Wife – That’s the moon.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
“Why do raisins have an expiration date? What’s gonna happen, they get shrivelier??”
Interviewer:…
“Oh you mean questions about the job!”
I’m sorry a horse was able to unlock your phone using facial recognition…
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
#TT
At 14 I yelled, “You’ll NEVER understand Morrissey,dad!!” and tried to run dramatically out of the room but ran into a wall & fell over.
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
Wife must be planning to paint the house. I found plastic & tape under our bed. Not sure what the shovel & pistol are for.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
my name if I was in the mob
Pre-employment drug tests are misleading, I didn’t get to try any of them.
“no please don’t”
[cop takes my flask and sniffs] is this milk?
3 Best Uses for Oven Timers:
1. Remind you of beer in the freezer
2. Pizza rolls
3. Notify guests when their time’s up & they should leave
Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?
Spiritist: not tonight love.
Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
Family zooms are just my kids trying to kill each other in a really small space while somewhere off screen my mum tells us about a friend we’ve never met who has a disease we’ve never heard of
This Independence Day please remember that fireworks are not a toy, they are meant to be aimed at the nearest British ship.
ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.