OTHER BOY: why are we all here anyway
ME: I think it’s for the milkshakes
LACTOSE INTOLERANT BOY IN THE YARD: oh no
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“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
God: you’re a decapod.
Crab: what does that mean?
God: it means you have 10 legs.
Crab: b-but that’s too many legs.
God: at least you don’t have a hundred.
Crab: why would someone have a hundred legs?
Centipede: yes God why would someone have a hundred legs?
coworkers whispering: why does he wash it if he’s gonna peel it?
me leaving the break room with a wet banana: morning guys
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
they need to increase life expectancy so I can squeeze in another mid-life crisis
Dad that spaghetti you brought home in the plastic container was terrible. Who the hell names an Italian restaurant ‘Nightcrawlers’?
You know you are old when you say “I’m old” and nobody wants to object to it.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
big fan of the comma, just great. like look, i just made you pause the sentence as you read it. oh look, i just did it again.
i respect snow plows bc their whole job is to take a giant mess and push it to the side for someone else to deal w later
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[pulled over]
COP: Did you know you were speeding?
ME: I didn’t even know I was driving
COP: Out
To their credit, selfie sticks may be the only proof future archaeologists have to dispute the notion cameras grew directly out of our arms
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
I get why polyamory is so popular in California. It takes 3 incomes to survive and 4 to have nice things.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
A chinchilla infestation sounds more like a solution than a problem at this point.
[couples therapy]
HER: His obsession with Star Wars is tearing us apart
ME: *covering my Yoda doll’s ears* Hear you he can, Karen
If you see me on my balcony practicing my karate, just keep driving…I don’t want you getting pregnant.
Jaws (1975): A shark gets annoyed because a bunch of people break into the ocean