Me and my mates are in a band called duvet.
We’re a cover band
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I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.
my new hobby
creating totally reasonable units that somehow upset people
– kiloLiters
– megameters
– milliinches
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
Waiter: And what would the lady like?
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Waiter:
Me:
Date: Gigi, he means you.
Me: *blushing* Oh, wow. He called me a lady.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
My tubes are tied. I didn’t even know they were competing.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Sasquatch: *squinting* Nah, I still don’t believe that’s Kate.
I was craving BBQ for dinner but my wife ordered Chinese. She showed a wonton disregard for my feelings.
Me: *pretends to get electrocuted as we shake hands*
Guy who was just about to offer me a job: Ok I’ll probably be in touch
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
*First day as a boxing cornerman*
Me: So did you guys even try to talk this out first or what
He was a good dog. He was a beautiful, very good dog. Who was a good dog? Who’s a beautiful, good boy? Was it you? It was.—Dog obituary
Earth reviews
⭐☆☆☆☆
“The landscape is memorable but the human inhabitants are all shit”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“They do amazing things with potatoes”
depression: you’re not good enough
anxiety: everything is falling apart
Quora: what if a grape hit u while traveling at the speed of sound
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.
Cashier: You’re the first person to not buy flowers or chocolates today.
Me: * looks down at burrito and donuts *
It’s still love though.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
me: *goes outside during the day* why is the moon is so spicy
Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better.
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.