her: the manager of the McDonalds down the street called today…
him: [sitting on couch next to Ronald McDonald statue] Did he sound mad?
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Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
*on toxicology phone consult in middle of the night*
doctor: ok thanks for all your help
me: no problem, have a good one
doctor: love you bye
me:
doctor:
me:
doctor: i’m married
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
This cheap wine tastes like a fine full bodied Capri Sun
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
KATY PERRY: 🎶 baby you’re a fiiiiirework
KATY PERRY’S DOG: I hate this song
Be carefully which minty aromatic
plants you accidentally step on.Thyme wounds all heels.
[I kneel down, pick up some dirt and let it run through my hand]
uh huh….
[I lick my finger and stick it in the air] hmm….
[I run my knuckles over some moss on a nearby tree]
unless i’m mistaken, it would seem that i’m outside
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
We went to the planetarium today and when the voiceover said “this is the earth” one of the kids booed
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Ladies & gentlemen, this is your pilot speaking. If you look thru the left hand windows right now you’ll see me doing the worm on the runway
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
BOSS: There’s limited parking at the event so we are going to carpool
ME (pulling a pair of floaties out of my desk drawer): oh hell yeah
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
I have a very dry sense of humor. So I drink moisturizer.
Certain people have been making very hurtful remarks about my choosing to wear mittens rather than gloves
But I don’t like to point fingers
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade