My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute
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BOSS: You’re fired
ME: For giving up my seat to a blind guy?
BOSS: You’re an Uber driver
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
Me: (after eating 12 fudgesicles)
Ok. Time to get to work.You: You can actually buy popsicle sticks at any craft store.
Me: Don’t question my art.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
“Hand me that pillowcase. Nope, that’s a coverlet. No, that’s a sham. That’s my nightgown. That’s a duvet cover.”
~Excerpt from my book, “Making the Bed with the Mrs.”
My problem is that I always have really amazing bad ideas.
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I’m not drunk, I was driving erratically because I had to rescue the cheese that was melting off my Egg McMuffin
Spider-Man, Spider-Man, does the same movies over again.
Who’ll he fight? The same bad guys! Billion dollar film franchise.
If life gives you a cactus that doesn’t mean you have to sit on it.
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok
TV shows when an actress is pregnant IRL but not in the show:
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
That took me a moment.
My dentist has decorated his office with pictures of teeth he has worked on, thank god my gynecologist doesn’t have the same decorator.
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Me: What did you learn about at school?
10-year-old: States.
Me: What did you learn about them?
10: That there’s too many.