My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
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I just said hello and waved to a baby and the baby puked I must not be looking good today
Don’t be afraid to love yourself…
…but do it quietly and make sure you get it all in the tissues.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
sorry but I’m allergic to cauliflower, like deathly allergic, if I eat some my throat feels itchy then I kill everyone
ROBIN: Let me drive the Batmobile.
BATMAN: Never. I’d rather let Superman-
[wall breaks down]
SUPERMAN: OMG REALLY
BATMAN: No.
Why does the alien civilization keep sending spaceships that don’t know how to land?
9 out of 10 men prefer a girl with a big rack. The 10th prefers the other 9 men.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
The main difference between kids and dogs is that kids grow out of following you to the bathroom
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
When I find myself in times of trouble. Mother Mary comes to me. That’s how I know the meds aren’t working.
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[babysitting]
Nephew: Can we listen to music?
Me: OK but not very loud.
Nephew: Why, does it hurt your old ears?
Me: Hey look at that, it’s your bedtime.
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
Pretty unfair how gargoyles just monopolized rooftop perches.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
reminder
Don’t tell me I’m not charitable. This weekend I gave away a lawn mower, a grill, and a full set of patio furniture.
My neighbor is PISSED.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”