Get yourself a girl who can help you destroy evidence and lie under oath.
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3yo: can we watch something?
Me: sure what do you want?
3yo: anything but the maps.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
Wife: Did you pay the mortgage yet?
Me: Do you think surfers in India are called Hindudes?
Wife: What?
Me: What?
Communication is hard
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
What do Kermit the Frog, John the Baptist, and Vlad the Impaler have in common?
Same middle name.
“Sexy role play.. I’ll be a dentist.”
“I’m here for my appointment”
“Did you book in with Karen first?”
“No?”
“Please leave, I’m very busy.”
I heard a girl telling people that when you cook French toast, you’re supposed toast the bread first and we can’t just be letting people go around spreading this kind of hateful misinformation
My high must be wearing off, because that cop car that pulled me over 20 minutes ago is starting to look like a house with Christmas lights.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
u spoke cat all this time??????
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
dentist: are you flossing?
me: no. my teeth are haunted
dentist: what?
me: they bleed when I floss
dentist: that doesn’t—
me: like the walls in a haunted mansion
dentist: ok
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
The most I’ve ever paid for sex was ‘marriage.’