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*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
Hey, thanks for having me over… But, It smells like something died in here and I’m pretty sure it was the housekeeper…
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
What if “my anaconda don’t want none unless you got buns, hun” was just Sir Mix-a-Lot saying that his pet snake is a picky eater and prefers bunnies.
can’t talk my ride’s here
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Oh the world we live in…
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
*gets waitress’s phone number*
*texts her before meal is over*
“Napkins????”
Me, as a judge: OK we’ll take a quick recess now.
*lawyers start discussing lawyer things*
*I go outside and swing on the swingset*
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me: I once asked a man why he was in a wheelchair. Now here I am.
In marriage, there are two conversations:
The one you think you’re having and the one your husband hears.
Parents who say they’re going to the store for smokes and never return, what’s wrong with you? It’s your house. Send the kids for smokes and change the locks.
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Dune (2021)
You get home from work early. You walk into the kitchen and your dog is peeling a potato. Startled, she yells “IT’S JUST A POTATO!”
#ambien
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
Find someone who cares about you as much as gmail cares about new devices signing into your account
Me: I’m hard at work
HR: this is why you’re fired
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
me: i guess you could say i’m “livin the dream” lol
teacher: sure but why the one where you show up to school naked
I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life