HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
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Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
If you have three cookies and one is oatmeal raisin, you only have two cookies.
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: still on
me: *click*
ceiling fan: one more
me: *click*
ceiling fan: jk. was off. now back on and faster than ever!
Confuse a restaurant manager today by telling her how good the service was.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
Dog [opening Christmas present]: I swear to god Jason if I get one more bone I will OH MY GOD A BONE IT’S A BONE HOW DID YOU KNOW THIS IS THE BEST PRESENT EVER I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU GOT ME A BONE I LOVE THIS I LOVE YOU
Fun Adult Game: put your keys down. walk out of room. now try and remember where your keys are
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
When picking art supplies for your children, never pick glitter. You will always regret picking glitter.
Wife: honey the kitchen really needs an update
Me: consider it done love
*hanging this year’s calendar on the fridge*
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
kids play hide and seek like
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.