I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I blow out her scented candles when she’s not looking.
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Her: I bought a wireless bra today.
Him: What’s the password?
nurse *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[5 minutes later]
me: *gives her the empty cup* i didn’t need this, there was a toilet
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
before you ask, yes, he can legally do this.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
I can already feel that the day is going to seize me instead of the other way around
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Roses are red, violets are blue, vodka costs less than a dinner for two.
[2045]
The national language is Yeet. Your daughter’s fiancé is a YouTuber whose legal name is Landon FTW.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Believe it or not I’m listening to the Final Countdown in the grocery store. Now you’re hearing it too.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
You probably can’t even pick your own skeleton out of a lineup.
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
ok like just. call me at this point