Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
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met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
I miss dating
The excitement of meeting someone new, that feeling of butterflies when you see if you can climb out their bathroom window…
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
President, first day on the job: *pushing a button* Janet can you-
[two nuclear missiles launch towards Moscow]
That wasn’t the intercom.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Husband: No stubble? Did you finally shave your legs?
Me: No. I grew it out so you’d stop complaining about the stubble.
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
*NEW*
For BOXERS in the ring.
For lawyers writing BRIEFS.
For guitarists plucking G-STRINGS.PUNderwear ®
Comfort is No Laughing Matter™
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
Goldfish crackers are the best snack for teaching kids it’s ok to eat your pets.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Kevin didn’t know how much longer he could fake laugh at Linda’s dumb jokes, but he did know he didn’t want to be glue.
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.