Get in loser we’re going crying
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Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Battery falling down a hole
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
*bedtime*
Me: What does Winnie sleep in?
10: Dad… no
Me: POOJAMAS!!
10: I’ll go straight to sleep if you’ll just stop.
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
*gets into any creepy van*
*Gets kicked out*
ketchup is a weird flavor to do for a chip. just empty a ketchup bottle on a regular chip like the rest of us, bozo!
Accidentally used a toe of newt and eye of frog and now Kermit wears a monocle.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I’m such a disaster that 9/11 and The Titanic would go out on a date together and watch a movie about me.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Zumba instructor: I’m thinking of teaching yoga too.
Me, the current yoga instructor: Namaste in your lane, Chandie.
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Mirror, mirror on the wall
Why so many fingerprints?
PREGNANT WIFE: oh my god, my water broke!
ME: ok stay calm, i know what to do *googles “how to fix water”*
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
JOSEPH: oh thank god you’re here
MARY: did you bring the diapers blankets and formula
WISE MAN: no i brought myrrh
#OddReasonsToCallInSick
I have to give my cat a bath
Parenting articles always give the most obvious advice: “Trouble getting your kids up in the morning? Put them to bed earlier.” Give me something innovative like “Invest in an air horn. We like this one that has a built-in water sprayer, available at Amazon for $15.99.”
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday