Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
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I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
stop whining about losing your ‘hot years’ to covid. some of us lost our hot years to not being hot
This is a true ally.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
“It’s a banana in my pocket”
“May I remind the defendant that he’s under oath?”
*averts eyes*
“I’m glad to see you”
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
Today I took the stairs. My legs burned, I was all out of breath and I stopped and I thought to myself… I really need to stop using the stairs.
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
SciFi Future:
Everything beeps and blinks.Actual Future:
How do I make everything stop beeping and blinking?
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
“Lady In Red” is my favorite song about a guy that’s trying to get laid even though he can’t remember her goddamn name.
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
Prius and Smart Car owners in my neighborhood got together and banned leaf blowers for safety reasons…
“Higher…lower…lower…higher…LOWER!”
-Me playing Card Sharks or getting a back scratch
[wife leaving for the weekend]
“Baby formula is in the cupbo–”
“I think I know how to make a baby. Now go & enjoy your dad’s funeral.”
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”