they should make cans that open quietly
..she tweeted for no reason at 3:25 am while her bf slept soundly
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Why do people say “Cannonball” when jumping into a pool, but no one says “I’m jumping into a pool” when firing a cannonball #Interesting
SCIENTIST: Dear God! Were… were you chewing bubble gum when you went through the teleporter??
ME, a pink, lumpy man-shaped blob: Uh… no.
SCIENTIST: Oh… sorry.
[Rain]
Earthworms: yes yes yes the prophecy is happening again, we will surface to the top and march on the sidewalk for no reason yes
me: I want to be handsome like my dad
friend: is your dad handsome?
me: no but he wants to be too
With the rise of self driving cars, it鈥檚 only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy鈥檚 truck leaves him too.
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
Always leave them wanting their money back.
[Interview]
Your resume just says “I’m a mom”. Why in the world would I hire you?
Me: BECAUSE I SAID SO THAT’S WHY!
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FL脛RDFULL and 脰DMJUK on their play date.
Of course I consume a lot of carbs. I don’t want to get decarbohydrated.
My new dentist was a former mortician apprentice.
He is different that he likes to bathe you before he does any dental work.
Who called them dentures and not substitooths?
*LIGHTHOUSE*
BATMAN – You call?
L/HOUSE KEEPER – Shit, not again man. I am so sorry.
BATMAN – Dead seagull on the light?
LK -*Nods*
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they鈥檙e not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
My friend is dating a guy who won鈥檛 stop taking her to the circus 馃槶
My wife after pulling weeds… I want a goat
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
one of the funniest things tv and movies do in flashbacks is give the child version of an adult character the same haircut that the adult character currently has
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I鈥檓 not very good at drawing giraffes.
Parental pro tip: Take your kids to the mattress store at the mall and skip the trampoline park.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Instead of saying you’re gluten intolerant, just say you go against the grain.
I’ve seen enough episodes of Dateline to know never to stand near a cliff while letting Hubs take my picture.
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this: