When my son was 3 he had a Guinea pig named rufus. One day he left the cage open & rufus disappeared. I bought a replacement rufus, never told my son & things were going fine until the original rufus showed up and I had to pretend he was rufus’s cousin, roger from philly.
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Ate a moldy blueberry.
Thought of you.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
I feel most productive at work when I repeatedly click back and forth on the 18 tabs I have open and just know that the work is still there
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
Mustaches are just nose hairs that believed in themselves
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
“Your resume says weaknesses: hide & seek”
Yeah
“Can you demonstrate?”
Sure, count to 10
*Counts to 10 & opens eyes*
*I’m literally on fire*
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
I like to imagine Supreme Court is just like regular court but with tomatoes and sour cream.
leaving hand sanitiser and a thermometer gun out for santa this year instead of milk and cookies
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
AM I BEING GASLIT????
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I never realized how short a month is until I started paying rent
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
Norwegian stuntmen are like, “I HAVE TO CROSS THE FJORD,” and then they jump over the hjood.
I’m working on my second million, since I failed so much at the first.
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”