Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
You Might Also Like
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
got kicked out of a funeral for tossing a beach ball into the audience
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
Inventor of popcorn: Quickly! We have to put out the fire in the corn silo before it gets to the butter silo!
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
I found a spider in my shoes. He looks ridiculous, they’re way too big for him.
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
Right after Marie Kondo we went through a year of buying crap we don’t need out of sheer cabin fever.
I was bored.
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
Mission Impossible…😂😎🐒
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Secondary school me: my speech is abou….
My guys at the back:
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Pro tip: when your neighbors make you mad, send your 8 y/o son over to describe in complete detail what all 379 of his Hot Wheels look like
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Imagine how expensive the iPhone would be if they called themselves Organic Apple.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Do not go gentle into that good night,
My kids have been joking for weeks about a new pokémon called puke-achu and then they got the stomach flu and brought it to life
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
There are two wolves inside you
webmd: wolf cancer